Confessions

I've been silent intentionally about how things have been going with my new job, Although I've been working at it for going on five months, it's still very new to me. I think it'll be year or more before I truly have a grip on all that goes on in this extremely busy department. It's been tough going for me and I've spent many an evening in tearful regret over leaving my old job that I knew so well for this one where I'm so often clueless. Yes, it's true I was looking for a challenge, a change. To say I bit off a whole lot more than I can chew would be putting it mildly. I'd like to say that each each passing day it gets easier but that's not the case. It's more as if I stumble around in the fog for a time; suddenly the clouds lift and a few tasks become clear. A light goes on inside my head. It's hard to explain but it's something like that. I don't think I've ever had to say, "I don't know" so many times to so many people. It's not exactly a phrase that boosts self-confidence, believe me. It's been a humbling experience to go from being the top of the line to the bottom of the heap--the proverbial low man on the totem pole. It's been harder than I ever imagined to have gone from being the one who had a handle on just about everything that was going on, confident...complacent to she who knows precious little. I was the one whose mere presence could often bring reassurance to a resident. Of course, that didn't happen overnight but I seem to have forgotten the years I worked through to arrive at that secure position. Yet, I felt it was very necessary to give it up, to move out of that comfort zone. It was too secure, too comfortable.

For a brief time not so long ago, I was thinking seriously of giving up and returning to my old familiar job. One evening after a dinner with some friends, I poured out my unhappiness to a special friend and even as I mentioned the thought of possibly trying to get my old job back, I knew I would not, could not do this. My family would support whatever decision I made but to admit defeat not even six months into a new job would be something I just couldn't do. My pride would never allow such a thing to happen. Almost immediately after my outpouring of misery, my days at work began to get better. More and more things began to fall into place. Was this merely a coincidence? Was I just at a major turning point of understanding and acceptance and hadn't realized it yet? You'd think at my age I would've learned some patience and in many areas, I do have plenty but apparently not when it comes to living up to my personal expectations.

Not so long ago, I was committed to not rushing my life away, to savor every day but I must confess that these days I've been wishing that I could time warp myself into the future (say a year from now) to where I'd feel comfortable with all facets of my job and all it entails. I want to skip to the point when I can look back on all this and laugh at myself about feeling the way I do currently.