Sometimes I think about how I will remember this summer for the rest of my life. Cliched titles and phrases come to mind such as "The Summer of Our Despair", "The Summer that Never Was" or, to use the ever popular current vernacular, "The Summer That Sucked--Big Time". Here's a phrase I fervently dislike and never use but it seems to fit how my family's feeling these days.
I'm a Leo, a summer girl who generally glories in these golden months. This is one of the seasons I look forward to all year very much. Here we are into the first week of August already and I feel as if summer hasn't even gotten off the ground yet. Last fall we had to tear down our backyard deck because in its old age it had become a major safety hazard. Winter and its lengthy rainy season came and went. Once the dry, warmer temperatures finally returned, our priorities shifted to what the hell was going on with our son.
There's still no deck. We haven't been eating alfresco dinners as in the past years. I haven't even opened up and set out our two comfy reclining lounge chairs. I haven't set up the little covered nighttime niche outside our large living room window with pretty night lights and candles for after dinner, early evening drifting and dreaming to enjoy the cool night air following a hot day.
Life comes to a standstill when an immediate family member is seriously ill. Everything ceases except going through the motions of what one must do to make it through a day of work, eat some dinner because it's necessary but there's no appetite, fall into bed for a fitful sleep and get up the following morning to do it again. I now know, and always suspected, I could never be one of these mothers who tend to their comatose child lovingly on a seven day, 24/7 basis. You know, the type who reads to their unresponsive child, manually moves arms and legs to provide range of motion and all the time maintaining composure to the world. Maybe this is the stuff you only see in movies. Maybe I've seen "Steel Magnolias" too many times. However, I've come to realize I don't possess this steel and this is yet another disappointment unto myself. Forgive me, I am just ranting. This could also be known as "The Summer of my Disenchantment" and if I don't stop here I will wake up in the morning reincarnated as Tennessee Williams. God Forbid!
2 comments:
Meredith--be kind to yourself. You would be surprised what you would be capable of doing if the situation called for it. Especially when it comes to your family. I did things I never thought I could/would do when my father was ill. Yes...I second-guess myself, to this day. Yes, I sometimes wonder if I did enough, helped enough, was attentive enough... But I have made peace with myself about it. That I did the best I could do at the time. All you can do is the best you can do. You cannot compare yourself to some unrealistic ideal.
Hugs to you my friend. You are in my thoughts... Lisa :-]
http://journals.aol.com/mlraminiak/ComingtotermswithMiddleAge/
Shelby was named after Steel Msgnolias...and we all nurture our children differently. You have to protect yourself, too, when your child is so ill. If your well runs dry, it won't help anyone...
love, Kas
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